The Rabbit's Hole

um.. well. hi?
what?! at least I updated something after a year-- okay.. maybe more..
so.. that's it// good day and bye

Again... my confidence level went down to the bottom of my feet. I am literally stepping on it right now. Lately everything seems wrong. I just wanted to be noticed. I really feels like  i'm fucking fat. HECK. I am fat. Everything just doesn't seems to go on my way. It keeps deviated. and every single time i try hard to be noticed i'd somehow appeared like an attention seeker. But i just wanted to be noticed once. to be told by someone especially someone that i like that i'm beautiful and there's nothing i should change. I'm just perfect the way i am. But apparently no! and those extra pounds i've gained before just really make it worse. Personally, I don't really cares about what others were thinking. I just plain hate myself right now. I know that every God creation is perfect. bla.bla.bla. but i'm just in the mood to rant.  I hate what i see in the mirror right now! why can't society just accept chubby girl?? i myself thinks that they're cute.
 why.. does guys are so self absorbed? NO! I DON'T LIKE YOU! NO! I DON'T WANNA TAKE YOU AWAY FROM YOUR GIRLFRIEND! NO! I AM NOT BY ANY MEANS ATTRACTED TO YOU!. does any guy in this world understands that?.. unless your a fictional character, twice my age/dead, on the other side of the world or a selebrity I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU!.
 sometimes i wondered what people thinks of me?... cause i do feel like a fish out of the water. It's just that I can't seems to fit in. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel lonely. sighh..

P/S. I'm terribly sorry to force feed you guys my stupid, full of curse rants. that is if you actually read it trough.

I know, I know.. it's been a decade since I updated my blog. But, it's not like there's anyone out there who actually read my blog. Here's an update to what happened to my life. Yes. No one confessed to me this semester. I'm 20 years old (though it's still unofficial till this 6th january) and still never have a love life. I'm still a full time fangirl. No male human being here has yet to melt my heart.(p/s: semua muka mcm pecah rumah.LOL. (joking kay)... I am still a socially awkward being. I am and will always be an OTAKU!!  I'm still falling for celebrity and fictional character

Beauty could come in all sizes and colour,
Beauty don't have to be fair skinned,
Beauty don't have to be skinny,
Beauty don't have have to be a girl,
Beauty don't have to be perfect,
Beauty is full of flaws.

i usually didn't blog about my real life and private stuff but i think i'm gonna make an exception this time. Maybe because of the stress I've been dealing with right now i decided to make an exception. well, let's start right now shall we?
Guess what? i'm 19 this year and just enrolled into ' Universiti Malaysia Terengganu(UMT)' for degree.  It doesn't go as I planned actually. I wanted to go somewhere in KL not here, not that I have anything against it but i want to  be closer to my best friends. I've got to admit among all my besties i'm much more closer to Fatin Liyana and Liyana Roslan. well, maybe because we still contact each other and cared about each other so much.

 when i first found out i got UMT to further my studies in degree in Conservation and managment of biodiversity, i plainly accept the fact though i was so disappointed, maybe because i've shed too many tears before. My horrid PSPM results that turned out to be worst than i expected it to be, then goes the stupid medsi test which i failed. this one was the most overwhelming part. I can't even begin to describe the despair i went through.
but, accepting the fact doesn't means that i wasn't scared shit about going that far from my hometown.
 Then again, i gained hope a few days after receiving shitty treatment from my soon to be seniors when i found few bunch of anime/otaku/toku fandom nakama(on facebook). I saw rays of hope been lit upon me. Seriously, I was so happy that to know that i have someone to share my life with and i wasn't kidding when i say anime is my life.
 On 31st August we started our journey to terengganu. It was a long and tiring day. I'm having my period on that day and there was period pain so you could guess what kind of hell i've been dealing with on that day. We reached our homestay at about 7.00 p.m.Then, on the 1st September i started to have flu,coughing like crazy and got high fever.I'm trying to deny the fact that i'm going to start my life alone with bunch of strangers.Then on the next day, it was the day i supposed to register myself in UMT. Fuck that. there was just too much feels.. but deep inside i was hoping that those promise someone just made will be kept. then on that exact night... (minggu jalinan mesra)MJM starts.
well.. a week passed and that promises was never fulfilled. What i was hoping was useless. I know no one and i'm socially awkward. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to few person i know through Facebook. I saw Abg Faiz. My fellow otaku nakama but i'm such a shy, awkward and socially awkawrd person(hikikomori). i instanly grew jelouse at those girls who could talk freely to abg2 and kakak2 fasi and jokes with them. I tried to talk to abg faiz but that was just plain useless i just make myself to look like a stalker instead. I have o confidence over myself. I wish i wasn't this socially awkward. I don't know how to start a conversation especially to guys.They must think i'm weird and ugly and fat not to mention my skin just got sunburn.. it's just too pathetic. I want to wrap myself in my safety blanket and go back to my world. My virtual and fantasies world.Fuck socialising.
 Dear readers, sorry if to have you hear my rant on my fucking life.If you actually read all of it and didn't stop halfway.

    Usagi was panting heavily.Drops of sweats drizzled from her face and her bangs were soaking wet from the sweats.The blades of her swords shone as the dawn light touches it. Spending all night training all alone was exhausting. She looks up at the shy sun whose peeking at her and she knows that she need  to hurried up home before her big sister finds out that she'd sneaked out to train all alone.She immediately suppressed her riatsu and headed home.
  There's no sign of anyone anywhere which is good so she quickly sneaked into the corridors and went inside her room.Pretending to sleep as she soon give in to he fatigue and slowly fell asleep.

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Damn. It was half past noon already. She was that late for work.Her big sister is not going to be happy for this.She ran as fast as she could(translated:shunpo) to the 4th division. Once she get infront of the main 4th division building her first reflexes was to look for her furious big sister or her vise captain Isane. no. she couldn't find both of them.That might be a good thing but it's too weird but she ignored it either way. She might as well take this golden opportunity to walk away.
*bam!!
she banged her head on the wall. "ouch" Usagi said as  she rubbed her already red forehead"stupid wall" she murmured to herself.
"ano ne.. usagi.. i don't think it's the wall's fault".Usagi turned around and saw the light blue haired beauty.
"yuki!. what are you doing here?"she exclaimed to the light blue haired girl with sapphire eyes, Matsumoto Yukiko
"don't you know?"
Usagi's face was clueless.
"jeez Usagi... don't you know that both Yumichika and Ikaku the 5th and 3rd from 11th division was badly hurt from those ryokas? not to mention that just know Renji just lost to one of those ryoka's. i say that we really underestimated them but i heard that Yamamoto old man just released a statement that all vice captains and higher up must always have their zanpaktou by their side and are allowed to went all out on a battle"
'wait what??.."
Yuki just raised her eyebrow.
"you mean we're going an all out war on them?"
Yuki gives her an isn't that obvious look.
Usagi sigh
"i'm on a duty shirou-chan gave me so i thought bout paying all those miserable life a visit since it's own my way"
well.. yuki-chan will always be yuki-chan. she talk's bout those higher ranking than her like a lowly life being. Usagi's just too used to it since they're studying together though Yuki got higher rank than her. She's the 3rd at 10th division.
"well.. i should go now.. i'm already late for the stuff Shirou-chan told me to do"
"kay.. bye.. and take care yuki-chan"
and Usagi's off to her work

since you guys absolutely loves those blood type post i'm gonna post something related today. though it's just bunch of pics i just hope you like it.